I spent $850 on a juice cleanse And I survived
Yes it’s true, $850 on juice. But don’t be fooled, this isn’t just any old juice. I’m talking about certified organic, cold pressed, delivered right to your doorstep by Channing Tatum circa Magic Mike (well, I’m hoping for 850 big ones C-Town or his Aussie equivalent would be thrown into the mix!), change-your-life juice. The kind of juice that whispers sweet nothings like “you’re a juicing goddess” into your ear, makes you feel at peace with the universe and one with mother nature, transcending your consciousness to such a euphoric state of clean living that coffee, wine, midnight pizza runs and cronuts all dissolve into a faint echo of the old you. A time I like to refer to as P8JC: pre $850 juice cleanse.
“Note to self, if you’re putting coffee on credit – it may be time to check yo self before you wreck yo self!”
Although this morning’s coconut cappuccino was indeed purchased with the every same MasterCard I’m holding in my hand, I proceed to the checkout and complete my order for 10 days of juicing ecstasy (yes, the usual timeframe is three to five days, but I seem to think I’m a juicing gangsta, so I’m shooting for 10).
Orchard St, an organic juice cleanse company, are telling me this juice fast could lead to increased energy, balanced body weight, reduced digestive symptoms, strengthened immunity, enhanced mental clarity, focus and concentration, a balanced, mindful approach to food, clear, glowing skin and enhanced lymphatic flow.
“If it’s good enough for Miranda (ridiculously good-looking supermodel) Kerr, it’s good enough for me.”
According to Vogue.com, Miranda is an avid fan of the very same juices I have just purchased, and although I myself may not be an internationally acclaimed supermodel, this puts my mind (and how I feel about my ensuing credit card statement) at ease.
Plus, I really have purchased the Porsche of juice cleanses, consisting of six magical bottles of intricately crafted raw smoothie, juice, kefir, elixir and nut milk each day. That’s right folks, no solids for 10 days. I’ll be having nothing but juice and super-duper healthy concoctions from only “the highest quality organic plants through a hydraulic press juicer.”
“In English please?”
From what I understand, it’s sort of like ingredients in these juices grow in conditions equivalent to that of an eco-friendly five-star resort on a remote tropical island – void of any pollution and stress. They then proceed to enjoy the most out-of-this-world deep tissue massage that allows them to reach their juicing potential, unleashing the most crazy pants amount of nutrients possible.
“Hey yeah wait a minute Mr Juice Man”
I felt my first juice delivery required a song. Today is day one of juicing fun, and I’m feeling great. Granted it is only 10:00 am and the first juice is in fact a smoothie, but aside from nearly rolling my boss for her morning coffee – I’m feeling fab.
I may have spoken too soon, because as lunchtime creeps around, I want food. I’m not even starving, I just really want to enjoy eating something yum. I decide to go for a walk to avoid diving head first into our Marketing Director’s red velvet birthday cake with crème cheese frosting. I catch the last ‘hip hip hooray’ and head outside for some soul searching.
“As 5:30 pm rolls around, I have a bipolar conversation with myself on my way home.”
B1: “Maybe I’ll just eat dinner. I’ll still get the benefits.”
B2: “No! You’re sticking to the plan Stan!”
B1: “But I’m unhappy because I’m not eating, and stress isn’t good for my health, so I should just eat.”
B2: “If Miranda can do it, so can you.”
B1: “But I’m hangry and I want to cry and I don’t think this was a good idea so I might just eat with the cleanse for the next 10 days.”
B1: “Damn it.”
“My tongue is furry, I’m hallucinating hamburgers and I sniffed my friend’s toast when she wasn’t looking.”
A few days in, I read up on the tongue tango, and this is supposedly a sign that my toxins are leaving my body. I also research more health benefits to remind myself of all the goodness this cleanse is doing my body. Apparently I’m giving my digestive system a much-needed rest to devote all its energy to loving my insides back to health, helping me to, “alkalise, detoxify, energise and get skin glowing from the inside out, while infusing my body with organic plant nutrition,” say the Orchard St crew.
It’s lunch time again. I’m not going to lie, even though there are six bottles a day and I’m actually quite full by the time I drink each juice/smoothie with the recommended amount of water – all I can think about is making a quick escape with Pat from IT’s lasagne and chillin’ in Tijuana until this mess blows over.
I’m watching Beyonce at my desk for booty inspiration. It’s now day six and I’m over the halfway hump. I’m finally experiencing the phase I was beginning to think was an urban myth. Yes I would love a coffee, but I’m no longer considering curling up in the foetal position under my desk because of it. Progress!
“And I’m that girl”
You know, the one who attends her friend’s fashion launch armed with a cooler bag of organic cold-pressed juice while everyone else is sipping on Champagne. I try my best to not look like I’m in pain, but everyone looks so smug with their champagne flutes and … oh no, are they baby bruschettas? I dash across the street and order an additional fresh juice from a café, before I disappear with a tray of canapés, never to be found again.
“I may not look like Beyoncé – but I’m feelin myself!”
As my cleanse rolls around to a close, I feel on top of the world. Being brutally honest, it wasn’t easy. It was excruciating. But I would say worth it. And not to sound like a total douche, but I look really good. My eyes are hazely green instead of dark brown, my face has de-puffed, I can sit in my LBD without having to hold in my tummy, and when I do my crow’s feet check by smiling really wide and almost kissing the mirror (you do that too, right?), it appears that some of my lines have softened quite considerably.
Plus, aside from my initial slump, I now have so much energy I feel like a Power Ranger. I’m also usually the kind of sleeper who wakes up at the sound of someone breathing, and I’ve been enjoying some serious beauty sleep. Last but not least, my tummy feels on top of the world – bye bye bloat – hello happy hippo.
“To juice or not to juice, that is the question.”
Amidst my love/hate relationship with the actual process of completing my juice cleanse, at the end of the 10 days I was feeling and looking so fab, I’d have to say that I’d do it all over again. Of course you can make your own juice with a lower price tag, but for me, the ultimate convenience and the fact that I’ve committed myself financially, were two major factors that helped me actually stick to it. It’s also worth noting the usual timeframe is three to five days, which is considerably kinder to your cravings and your credit card!
The Nutritionist says:
Bodypass nutritionist, Rachael Javes, tells us if juicing is worth it.
JD: What do you think of juice fasts?
RJ: Personally I think they are a fad and the evidence to their effectiveness is anecdotal. I do think juicing can be a great way to add in additional nutrients to your diet, especially if you are juicing mainly vegetables rather than fruit. Juices contain very little, if any, protein and fat, two macronutrients essential for optimal health. Restricting protein intake can have a negative impact on muscle mass which isn’t great if you are in classes trying to maintain a toned beach body. The absorption of fat soluble vitamins (A, D, E and K) are often also compromised due to low fat intake. The lack of protein can also have an impact on your immune system and make you more susceptible to infections.
JD: Are they safe?
RJ: For short periods of time (max three days), there is unlikely to be any long term health impacts, but a juice cleanse lasting longer than this will result in nutritional deficiencies. Juice cleanses are certainly not safe for everyone and people should consult their doctor before undertaking a fast.
JD: Should people be spending $850 on juice fasts?
RJ: Absolutely not. I find it incredulous that anyone can justify spending this amount on food for a single person in a short period of time, let alone just for juice. Don’t get me started on how many families this amount of money could feed in the same period of time. If you are going to do a juice cleanse, you of course need to do your research and ensure you are getting bang for your buck i.e. juices are fresh, not commercially juiced and not pasteurised, however be aware that marketers are well on to this and will be charging well over the odds.
JD: What does a juice fast do for you?
RJ: Juice fasts claim to help you lose weight fast, give you lots of energy, glowing skin and shiny hair, detoxify your body etc. The evidence is anecdotal and many health professionals believe that the kidneys and liver are perfectly capable of detoxifying the body without the need to “detox”. The ‘amazing’ feeling you supposedly get during your cleanse, after the torturous days of craving food, headaches, dizziness, lethargy etc, is often due to the body entering ketosis. Ketosis is detrimental to your health long term and in the short term can cause bad breath etc.
Any weight loss experienced is usually a loss of water, and the restriction of food over a long period of time can cause people to go a little nuts when they start eating again, therefore putting all the weight back on, if not more.
JD: What would you be better off doing to get glowing skin and lots of energy?
RJ: Look at your diet and clean it up! Avoid processed foods wherever you can. Add in vegetables ALL THE TIME. Greens and plenty of them. Make sure you get enough calories everyday. Eat your greens and sneak them into other meals – spinach with your avo and eggs, into your juice or smoothie etc. Get enough sleep! Exfoliate and dry skin brush.
- Get healthy on Bodypass
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